TWO YEARS FROM THAT DAY

In a spur of the moment decision, a split second event altered me, and changed my life’s course entirely. Two years to the day it happened, I look back with sad wonderment, that that fleeting moment would create a huge impact in my otherwise boring existence.

                I am a known walker or hiker, I love walking to and from a certain location, no matter how far. I can walk the massive structure that is SM Mall of Asia and will never feel tired. Sometimes hoping that time can at least slow down so I can savor every walking moment before the mall close or the last bus leaves for home. I would scour the entire Binondo, Divisoria, and Greenhills specially during Christmas season just for the heck of walking and exploring. I never cared about the heat or the sun when I am walking, the soft breeze of the December wind is enough compensation for the heat the sun slated on me.  I once dreamt of scaling the heights of Makiling, Banahaw and even Everest. I love the struggle of going up and the gravitational pull when going down.

                But fate changed all of that.

                Now with my ever faithful companion, my walking cane, I despise the limited mobility. I can no longer walk from my place of business to my residence without pausing for a minute or two just to rest. It was hard to come to terms with my limited mobility.

                Walking with a cane attracts a lot of quizzical stares. Some even have the courage to approach me and ask what happened to me, particularly those who know me. Sometimes I wished I have a t-shirt printed with my usual response to their questions because it came to a point that I don’t want to answer them anymore.

                Before, I would glance with empathy at people with canes or crutches or wheel chair. But all my concern seemed lacking when I was confronted with the dreaded cane. No amount of compassion is enough for people with disability, unless you are one.  

                 It does have its perks. I get to park in exclusive parking for disabled. I have my own lane when paying bills albeit I still fall in line together with the senior citizens. People offer me their chairs when there is none.  And when riding jeeps and buses, I have a specifically marked seat reserved for me.

                But the fact that the pain is still there balances out all the other gains. The doctor has instructed me not to rely heavily on pain killers. I have to endure the pain as much as I can. So I can determine when the dreaded necrosis has arrived.  When the pain is no longer bearable will be the day that I will go under the knife for a more complex surgery, the total hip replacement. It was like receiving a death sentence (for my femur) when the doctor told me that I have to prepare for that eventuality, that no amount of medicine can cure the progression (or regression) of the necrosis.

                Every morning when I feel the pain as I wake up, I ask myself if this is the pain the doctor is telling me about.  But it was bearable, and he specifically said that the pain will be intolerable.

                Even with cane, walking has become a struggle. I have to be fully aware of the direction of my legs specially if I try to walk on a straight line. A moment of lapse, I will find my injured leg walking sideways. I have to train my brain to instruct my left foot to follow the right foot, otherwise, I will be walking like a crab. Gait training was a laugh before. It was as if my left leg has a mind of its own. Sometimes, I would try to let it all loose and see where it wanted to go.

                Like every challenges in our life, I have to face it and conquer it. Living with constant pain has numbed me. My brain has come to a point where it tolerated it. I have tried to walk without cane although in short distances, but I feel so tired after doing so. The orthopedic shoes and inserts helped me walk without much gait. But the gait is still there. I buy slippers by two pairs, so I can use the other left slipper as insert. Life goes on for a man who fall down and refused to stay down. Like every trials in life a simple resolve to not back down and to stand up and fight continues to be my guiding light.

                Writing this piece is my way of saying goodbye to that incident. That I do not have to dwell on it and face new challenges life will offer. That there is more to life than wallowing in self-pity. That if I face life head on and charge forward, I will continue my travails. That I can still scale life’s ups and downs, race to the finish even if I know I will never win it. And keeping close to my heart the tenet, it is not the destination that matters, it’s the journey.